Teachers...

Public education is one of the hallmarks of a free society.  Without public education, we are not truly free.  The things that are going on in this country against education right now are ludicrous. 

It's teacher appreciation week.  I had teachers that made huge differences in my life.  It's one of the reasons I wanted to become a teacher.  I remember band, and art, sewing, and government, typing, and English, econ, and business math, algebra, and French.  I remember drama club, and dance team, and prom.  It was amazing.  Not only the subject matter, but the life lessons my teachers passed along were priceless.  I can't begin to pay my debt with two words, but I will try anyway.  Thank you.

If a teacher made a difference in your life, let them know.  We are a dying breed.

Better day...

Little miss S. was back to herself today.  Well, a little more loving than her normal.  I think she was trying to make up for the weekend.  She kept jumping on me, and hugging me over and over.  I don't really care why.  I'm just grateful.  :)

Promised Land...

If you have not yet watched Matt Damon's Promised Land, you should.  It's an important movie.  It explains really well what fracking companies do, how they operate. 

Stop fracking everyone.  Just stop.  If we don't have clean water, nothing much else matters, does it?

Little Stinker...

Someone was a little stinker today.  S. was just having trouble relating to me in a pleasant way today.  I don't know what to do with that.  She grunted at me a couple of times.  She pushed me away when I tried to hug her.  She kept doing things, she knew she shouldn't.  It breaks my heart.

There were many good days inbetween the last post and this one.  I thought we were getting to a different place.  But, now, I think we are getting to a different place again, but not one I want to be at.  15 months home, and a bump in the road.  It's to be expected, I suppose, with all she's been through.  Who knows what's running through her little mind.  I asked her why all day long, she just kept saying, "I don't know."

I gave her lots of time outs (or time ins, I stay in sight), and a lot of hugs, and a lot of talks.  I don't know what is sinking in, and what isn't.  She seems to be sliding backwards a little bit right now.  I hope and pray it will get back to normal.  And, in my heart, I know it will.  Come on baby girl, you can do it.  I love you little S., with all my heart, and soul.

From one of today's readings in church today, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid."  Are there any more comforting words in world?  Peace be with you all.    

Older Adoption....

Older adoption is not easy.  It's difficult, and it's work everyday.  I love S. with all my heart, and I think that takes us through a lot, but it's not easy.

The nervous ticks.  She has a number of them.  When she first arrived home, she twirled her hair continually, which was kind of cute, except, she did it so vigorously.  Then a few months later, she started moving her shoulders up and down all the time, a little stranger.  Now she moves her neck all around like she has a disorder or something, and she doesn't.  She also bits her nails continually.  They are little stubs.  This week, we all went and got a  manicure, and she has already chewed off the nail polish.  Yikes.  I don't want her to eat nail polish. 

One of the hardest things for me is she remembers her birth mom.  I'm sure it's one of the hardest things for her too.  If you are adopting an older child, older than 3 or 4, be ready for this sort of inflated memory.  Her "first mom" was a saint.  :)  Of course.  If you are going to make up a memory, or fill it in, why would you fill it in realistically?  Just go for it, in terms of imginary perfection.

So last night, S. says, "I'm going to be tall like my mom."  (Okay, the doctor's have said, she will maybe be 5' 1" tall, when she is an adult.)  (I'm 5' 4" maybe 5' 3&1/2" :) 
So, she said it over, and over, and over again, "I'm going to be tall like my mom.  I'm going to be just like my real mom."
Shot through the heart.  Your "real mom".  The person whom I will never be, but wish I was.  Let that sink in.  Ouch.  Your "real mom."  I feel pretty real.  It feels real, when I'm rocking you when you are sick, or when I am cleaning up your puke, or reading to you, or playing games with you, or cooking for you, or doing your laundry, it feels real to me.  It feels really real when you are being rude to sister E., and she is crying herself to sleep at night.  It feels really really real.  Deep breath.

I look at her, "like your mom," I say.
Yes, "like my real mom," she repeats, twisting the knife.
"I'm your mom too," I say.
She says, "I know, my real mom."
Me - "You probably will look like your first mom, that's true.  I'm your real mom too."
S. - "You are my step mom, right?"
Me - "No, I'm your real mom too.  Aren't you lucky?  You got two real moms.  Your first mom, and me, your second mom."
S. - "Oh, okay."
Me - "S., your first mom was probably not tall.  You are only supposed to be 5' 1" when you grow up.  That's shorter than Mommy."
S. - "No, my mom was way taller than you."
Me - "Okay, but I don't think so."
S. - "She was.  She was really tall."
Me. - "Okay, honey."

What could prepare you for this conversations, and thousands like them.  Praying.  I do a ton of that.  Talking.  I talk to other adoptive parents a lot.  Reading books.  I've read a few.  I could read some more.
It is what it is.  And I do love my daughter.  But this is not what I imagined. 

I imagined, she would adore me, and my older daughter.  I imagined our relationship would be a lot like the one I have with my older daughter.  But it's not.  It's different.  Not different bad, necessarily, just different.  I feel guilty that it's not the same relationship that I have with my other daughter.  I wanted it to be the same, but it's not.  So here we are muttling through each day the best we can.  I think she loves me.  I know that she knows I love her.  I tell her 20 times a day, or more.  But I don't know when she will feel it.  When it will sink in.  When she will relax, and stop twirling her hair, shaking her shoulders, rolling her neck, biting her nails, and just be okay?  I don't know.  But for this, I pray.  Amen.

Our Spring Break has ended.... :(

These are my Easter Princesses.  :)  It doesn't get much cuter than that, does it?
We had a very busy spring break stay-cation.  We did everything in town that there was to do.  I am exhausted.  The girls had a great time.  I love them so.

Spring Break - Stay-cation....

We are having a stay-cation for spring break.  :)  We are doing everything in town for kids that we can.  So far we've gone to a movie, tennis lessons, to see the Easter bunny, out to eat, and more.  We are having a blast.  :)  I love extra time with my girls.  We are so blessed.

I'm also catching up on my oscar movies.  I did watch Zero Dark Thirty, even though I do not think those secrets should have come out.  I think that stuff should always always always be top secret to protect Americans, and also, so we can use those top secret tactics again, if we need to.  Also, why give the world more reasons to hate us with movies, and braggings about what we have done.  Everyone at the high up levels that have clearance to know these things, should always say, "I can't comfirm, nor deny such and such."  They should not be interviewed about these matters on news shows.  Give me a break, you know?  Geesh.  Everyone would have known it was American anyway, whether we bragged about it or not,  but by braggin we put ourselves in more danger, I think.  That's just my feeling.

Having said that, Holywood made one hell of a movie out of it.  Great movie.  Also, humans are amazing.  What that woman accomplished, and all the people that helped her, amazing.  And, the Navy Seals, wow, absolutely amazing, amazing, amazing. 

I've been trying to watch Lincoln too, ha, ha, ha, but I've fallen asleep twice.  LOL.  OMG.  When I finally watch it, I'll post about it.